Dada 170

I didn’t bother to trouble much about what he said. I was thinking more of the executioners knot. He was questioning me again. I had not showed enough repentance. His voiced was raised slightly and he seemed distressed. He said he even if my appeal had succeeded I was still saddled with a huge guilt. Riddled with it, I think was his expression; guilt enough to cause any cancer of the soul he said. ‘Man’s justice is a vain thing, only god’s justice matters, he said. I pointed out that I had been condemned by man’s justice. He agreed but he said that alone would not clear the stain of my sin before God. I told him I wasn’t conscious of any sin I had committed. All I knew was that I had been found guilty of a criminal offence, and whether pre meditated or not, I was to die for that crime; no matter how much chance had played in the course of events. ‘In the matter of stain’ I said, ‘I am quite an expert’ ‘You are mistaken ‘he said. His voice was grave.’ More is required of you than you are prepared to give or may be asked to see….’ He broke off. ‘What chance did you give those poor boys?’ he looked away ‘These walls are steeped in human suffering. It always makes me shudder at what has been contained within them.The deepest nature of a man’s heart lies here.’ He said ‘And yet within the depths of this profanity, there sometimes comes a single light with the worst darkness like a lamp cast upon the sea’. ‘A fisherman’s life is never easy even with the sinking of the nets. ‘I told him. ‘I have been standing at these walls for months ‘ I continued. ‘You are right, there does come pictures and images and memories and arousals but never a single light. Once upon a time I used to search for light within them and perhaps a face, but it was always a face from the sunshine or eyes that glowed with desire for me such as Mo’s for me when we were on the beach. I had never seen any light or form that guided me amidst the grey anonymous bitumen of the prison bulwarks.’ He asked if he might touch my hand in a final farewell.