Dada 56

He was tolerant given all the time he had spent with Detectives ,in prison or doing his ‘corrective time’ when he was a prisoner for years in his own house. There was sometimes talk of another daughter but I had never met her and my mother did not say anything.

He was taken to the white rajah’s one day, to the governor’s house that ruled this part of the island for over a hundred years. His stepfather was instructed to attend along with his wife and son. The house had a pale blue wooden fence waist high around the perimeter; and was built in the style of a northern French chateau though my dada did not know that at the time. There were rose bushes in the garden and pools of water for fish. The house looked down over the harbour from where the rajahs had arrived. When his stepfather had given his report of the production on the estate up the country, the Rajah put his hand up to signal a pause.

‘How is your family’ he asked.

My dada told me he could feel his stepfather’s eyes flicker over himself and his mother. Their faces were turned down as they had been told.

‘Let me see your eyes boy’ my Dada raised his chin. The Rajah looked at him closely.

‘Very good’ he said, ‘very good.’

He raised his hand again to signal it was time for the meeting to end. The smell of roses and grass came in through the window. They had been in the room for less than five minutes.

Dada 55

'I'm more used to danger than you are so watch yourself.'

I asked him if he wanted to go to the movies that night. He laughed again and said he wanted to see a film with Tom Hanks in it. I had to hurry back to work but I felt good.

By the evening, Mo had seemed to forget about being careful. After we met he seemed surprised to see me wearing a black piece of material and asked if I was in mourning. I told him that my dada had died. He wanted to know when it had happened, so I said: 'last week’ but I meant I buried him then.

He shuddered but he didn't say anything. I wanted to tell him  that it wasn't my fault, and that death is a part of life but I stopped myself because I remembered I'd already said that to my boss. And Iskra had said it to me. I know it doesn’t mean much, but anyone close is also a little bit guilty for someone else’s death. Some are guiltier than others. Look at my Ma and Da. The movie was funny in parts but then it got really stupid and melodramatic. Mo was weeping. He pressed himself against me. I stroked his cheek. Towards the end of the movie, I kissed him, but awkwardly so no one could see me. After we left, he came back to my Dada’s place.

When I woke up, Mo had gone. He told me he had to visit his brother who had some good weed. I realized it was Sunday, which annoyed me because I still had to work to make up the time. I don't like Sundays. I turned over briefly in bed to see if I could still smell the salt from Mo's hair on the pillow but because we were expecting a heavy trawl, I could not go back to sleep; even though I was still tired .I worked and didn’t even have time for a proper lunch at the café which was just as well. They would ask too many questions and who I’d been seen with.

Dada was the same .He didn’t like it when people asked him questions.

‘I have my own opinions the same as anyone else’ he said. 

Dada Six

When I arrived on the quay it was already busy. I was late. I understood why my boss hadn’t seemed very happy when I asked for some time off last week: I had more or less forgotten that, but I realized it when I brought it up. My boss, quite naturally, must have thought that would mean I`d have four days off, including the weekend which he probably wouldn’t have liked. But then again, it`s not every day you go to a funeral.  Of course, that doesn’t mean I can’t understand why my boss wasn’t happy. If we are not working he always gets upset. He has said now a couple of times that I had no direction in life.

I had difficulty getting up because I was still tired from yesterday with Iskra.  While I was working. I wondered if I could go for a swim at lunchtime. As soon as we got clear and the merchants had gone and there were just the women waiting for the cheap fish in their shawls, I took the trolleybus to the public swimming pool near the port. I dived into one of the lanes. There were a lot of young people around. In the water, I saw Mo al Saleh who used to work at the port office. I`d found him attractive at the time. It was mutual, I think. But he wasn’t there for long so we didn’t have time to do anything about it. He saw me and waved and I helped him climb onto a floating platform and my hand brushed against his stomach. I was still in the water; he`d already turned over on to his stomach and stretched out on the platform. He turned towards me. His long hair had fallen over his eyes and he was laughing.

I hoisted myself up next to him. It was warm and felt good, and, pretending it was a bit of a joke, I dropped my head back and let it rest next to his belly. He didn't say anything but he didn’t freeze so I didn't move either. You had to be careful so close to the city. I could see all of the sky above me, blue and golden as a flower. I could feel Mo’s stomach next to me, moving gently as he breathed. We stayed that way for a long time, half asleep. When the sun got too hot, he jumped into the water and I followed him. I caught up with him, put my arm around his waist and we swam like that together. He was still laughing. On the quayside, while we were drying  off, he said: 

Dada 54

‘‘It has nothing to do with revenge, ‘ the Dada said. ’ it’s just one of those places life brings you to.’

I could hear his laughter bounce from wall to wall with his stories, more as he became weaker as if he was telling tales against himself and maybe what he should have done.

’ We come out of the Malaya club in Liverpool. We’re going to town for a drink. We’re making jokes, laughing. We we’re going to see our mates in great nelson street. The Chinese bar is there and they play Majong in the upstairs rooms of the restaurants but they don’t mind their darker skinned cousins. They were not in the engine room now.  You could hear them banging down the numbers, drinking and swearing any sunny afternoon in that city. They loved the white girls, especially the Irish. The pub was like the shipping office for the Blue funnel. Two white guys came up.

‘Hey hey  Chinky’  they say to us. We’re smiling, bowing, backing off.

‘They acted with purpose. One hit my friend full on his face. I detained the other. We went into our routine ducking the punches, to dance and feint like we had been taught. I hoped the damage was not extensive. The dusk was seeping up Princes Avenue and seemed a long way from the river. We went back to the club, got cleaned up and went down to see our shipmates. We did not want to draw our knives. They had not hurt us too badly but if we cut them, the police would come and we would be in the jail by the morning. To miss a ship was a serious business back then. We returned to Granby Street. It was like sixth and tenth in San Francisco or Saint Catherine Street in Monteal; they knew us there. Those times stood with me when we addressed  the seamen, all of the seamen of Borneo  but I should have done more’

My letter told the Kalimantan girl to come and see Iskra if she had any feelings for him. The night was pulling away and I saw the moon above the harbour. The sky was clear, a good spell for the fishing. There were no trawlers in the river. They would all be at the quayside by morning; hard work for me at the market tomorrow after the slow greying dawn and Mo’s  wait for me behind the closed shutters.

Dada 53

At first I didn’t realise but he started addressing me in a very personal way. It only struck me when he said: “Now, we`re really pals”: He said the same thing again and I said: “Yes we are.”

 It didn’t matter to me one way or the other but it really seemed to matter to him. He put the letter in the envelope and we finished the wine. Then we sat there for a while, smoking in silence. Outside, everything was quiet and we could hear the sound of a car passing by.

I said: “It`s late.” Iskra thought so too.

He remarked that time passed quickly in the tropics, a man’s life could disappear between monsoons he said and, in a certain way that was true, what happens between May and November could lead you into mystery. I was tired though and found it difficult to get out of my chair. I must have looked done in because Iskra said I should take better care of myself. At first I didn`t understand. Then he said he`d heard that Dada had passed away.

‘Was he Chinese’ he asked ; then he covered himself and said it was something that people were bound to ask one day. That was how I thought about it too.

I stood up; Iskra shook my hand very hard and said that we men must always understand each other. He asked me if I wanted to stay there the night with him but I said no.

Good night I said to him

Iskra slapped my shoulder, ‘goodnight my little gangster’ he said. ‘I can see you were a good student’

I closed his doors behind me when I left and stood on the landing for a moment in the dark and thought of Dada and what had had to come to pass to bring him into the world. I don’t like to talk about this nor the stain, they said resided within our family but Dada’s voice sounded within me and chimed all the way down the hall way. 

Dada 52

Then he asked me if I thought she`d been cheating on him and I said that yes, it seemed so to me. Then if I thought she should be punished and what I would do if I were him. I told him that you could never know for sure, but I could understand that he wanted to punish her. People are always punishing others, look at my Dada but I didn’t tell Iskra that. I drank some more water . Iskra lit a cigarette and told me his plan. He wanted to write her a letter, one that would “hit her hard but at the same time say things that would make her sorry and miss him.” Then, after she came back to him, he’d sleep with her and as soon as he`d finished, he`d spit in her face and throw her out. I told him I thought that would really be a way to punish her.

 But he  said he did not think he would be able to write the kind of letter he needed, so he thought to asking me to do it. When I didn’t reply, he asked me if I would mind doing it right then and there. I agreed. He drank another glass of wine and stood up. He pushed aside our plates and the last of the kidney’s.  He carefully cleaned the tablecloth for any crumbs. He got a sheet of lined paper out of the drawer of his bedside table, along with a yellow envelope, a little penholder made of red wood and a square inkwell filled with purple ink.

Iskra told me the women’s name. I realized straight away she was Indo from one of the eastern districts of Kalimantan, probably the north. It was poorest there and they were always burning wood to keep themselves warm and make the land even cheaper. You could smell it across all of Sarawak when the wind was in the West. I wrote the letter. I more or less improvised, but I tried to write it in a way that would make Iskra happy because I had no reason not to make him happy.

Then I read it out. Iskra  smoked a cigarette as he listened; nodding his head, and then asked me to read it again. He was really pleased with it.

“I can tell you understood life;” he said warmly. 

Dada 51

He`d beaten her before then but he`d never really hit her. ‘ I`d slapped her a little, but affectionately, so to speak. She`d cry a bit but then I`d close the shutters and it would finish the way it always did. But now it`s serious. And as far as I`m concerned, I haven’t punished her enough:’ Then he explained that was why he needed my advice.

He stopped talking to fix the lighting which was flickering in shadows on the wall. Just beyond the window, I could see the far streaks of sunset as the sky turned black. I just sat and listened to him. I`d taken a glass of wine and my forehead felt very hot.

I smoked some of Iskra's cigarettes because I didn’t have any of my own left. The last buses passed by, carrying away the distant sounds of the suburbs. Iskra continued talking. What bothered him was that he still had sexual feelings for the woman. But he wanted to punish her. First he`d thought he`d take her to a hotel and call the Vice Squad to cause a scandal and have her officially registered as a prostitute. Then he`d gone to see some shady friends of his but they couldn’t come up with anything. And as Iskra pointed out to me, petty criminals were never much use and if you did use them , you were always in their favour.

He`d told them the same story as me and when they`d suggested “branding” her or breaking her legs.He knew it was useless. It wasn’t subtle. He didn’t like that idea. He needed to think about it. First, however, he wanted to ask me something. Before he did though, he wanted to know what I thought about the whole business. I told him I didn’t have any opinion about it, but that I found it interesting.

Dada 50

‘But to get on with my story;’ he said “I realized she was cheating on me”: he gave her enough money to live on. He even paid her rent and gave her fifty a day for food.

“Three hundred Ringo for her room, six hundred for going out and a pair of stockings now and again and all that adds to more than a thousand.

‘That’s a few dollars.’ He said. ‘ And, needless to say, Madame didn`t work but she told me she couldn’t get by on what I gave her. So I asked her: “Why not get a job, just part time?” That would help me out because all those other little things add up. I bought you a new outfit this month, I give you nearly twenty dollars a day, I pay your rent and what do you do? You go to the café’ in the afternoon with all your friends from Kalimantan. You offer them coffee and almond sugar cakes while I`m the one giving you money. I`ve been good to you but you haven’t been good to me.’

’ But she didn’t go out to work, she kept saying that she couldn’t and that’s when I realized she must be cheating on me. ‘

Iskra then he told me how he`d found a series of lottery tickets in her bag and how she couldn’t explain where she`d got the money to buy them. A little later he`d found a pawn ticket she`d been given as a receipt for two bracelets. Up until then, he didn’t even know she owned any jewellery, not like that stuff anyway.

 “That`s when I knew for sure she`d been cheating on me. So I left her. But first, I hit her. Then I told her the truth about herself. I told her that all she really wanted was to get laid and it didn’t matter by whom. ‘

‘You understand, Rana Abdullah, I said to her’: “You don`t see how jealous everyone is of how happy I’ve made you. You`ll realize later on how happy you were with me.”

Dada 49

 I asked him what had happened. He told me he`d been in a fight with some guy who`d been asking for trouble.

‘You have to understand, Rana “he said. I’m not a bad sort but I do have a quick temper. So this guy says to me: If you`re really a man, you’ll get off this bus, so I say: Come on now, don’t get so worked up. Then he calls me a coward. So I get off and I tell him: That`s enough now. Cut it out or you`ll have this.” He held up the fist.

Then the guy says: you and who else? So I punched him. He fell down. I was about to help him up but he started kicking me while he was still on the ground. So I hit him with my knee and punched him a few times. His face was all bloody. Then I asked him if he`d had enough. He said: “Yes”:

All the time he was talking, Iskra was rubbing the bandage on his hand. I was sitting on the bed.

“You can see that I wasn’t looking for trouble; he said. He`s the one who started it: That was true and I said so. Then he told me that he actually wanted my advice on the whole business, that I was a man who understood life, how I could help him and afterwards he`d be my friend. I didn’t reply. He asked me again if I`d like to be his friend. I told him I didn’t mind. He seemed pleased. 

He took out the kidneys out of a newspaper and started cooking them in a frying pan. He put out the glasses, plates, cutlery and two bottles of wine all in silence. Then we sat down at the table. While we were eating, he started telling me his life story. At first he hesitated a little. “I used to know this woman... I guess you could say she was my mistress..: the man he`d had the fight with was the woman`s brother. He told me that he`d been keeping her. I didn`t say anything and right away he added that he knew what people said about him in the neighbourhood but he worked in a warehouse and had a clear conscience.

Dada 48

Just as I closed the door and lay down on the bed and waited for that cool time when  the sun  leaves the window and the river; Iskra knocked for me. Rumour has it around here that he lives off women. But when you ask him what he does, he says he works in a warehouse just like me.  He’s not very well liked around this Kampong but neither was Dada. But he often talks to me and from time to time he drops by for a while because I listen to him. I find what he says interesting. And besides, I don`t have any reason not to talk to him. He’s short with broad shoulders and a boxer`s nose. He`s always very well dressed.

Once, when we were talking about Srino he said, that’s a terrible matter about his bird. But he asked me if I didn’t find it all disgusting but I said no, everyone has to have something to hold onto. I did not tell him about the pirate’s life less  he imagined all that I did not like talking about might lead to this.

 As Iskra was about to leave, say goodbye and walk back upstairs he said: “I`ve got some lambs kidneys inside and wine. Would you like to have a bite to eat with me?” I thought how I and wouldn’t have to cook dinner and forgot about my cabbage after the sunset. I said yes. Iskra only has one room and a kitchen with a small window. On the wall above his bed there`s a pink and white stucco angel, some pictures of sporting champions, the fighter Many Pacqino from the southern Philippines  and two or three snap shots of naked women. The room was dirty and he hadn’t made the bed. First he lit the supplementary lights and the room flickered yellow, then he took a used elasticated support bandage out of his pocket and pulled it up and over his right hand. He held it with a fist until just his stubby fingers were showing bent beyond the fabric.

Dada 47

When the bird needs to shit, the old man doesn’t give him enough time to finish and he pulls at the cage so the bird leaves a trail of little drops on the wire. If the bird accidently pees in the room beyond his perch the old man flies at him with a rolled up newspaper, his perch is rattled again. It`s been on like this for  years. Jalima, the restaurant owner always says: “It`s awful but why does he open the cage”,

‘To show him what freedom looks like’ I said

‘But when all is said and done, no one really knows what freedom is.’

When I ran into them on the stairs, Srino was cursing his bird. He called him “Bastard!” and “dirty swine!” and the bird was chattering with fear. I said: “Good evening”, but the old man kept on shouting at his pet. I asked him what the parrot had done but he didn’t reply. All he said was “Bastard” and “dirty swine!” I could see he was bent over the cage, trying to untangle a pink ribbon that become entwined with the wire bars, the same ribbon shot with grey at the bird’s unexplained explosions. I spoke louder and asked him what he’d done.

Without turning around, Srino  replied with a sort of repressed rage: “He`s always fucking there”. Then he left, holding the cage up with the terrified bird inside, whimpering and talking in a low voice, as maddened as his owner. 

Dada 46

As I was walking up the stairs, I ran into Old Srino, a neighbour who lives on the same floor as me. He was still with his parrot. He is always with him. He’s had him for years and they`re always together. The bird has had a skin disease – mange, I think it`s called – which makes him lose almost all his feathers  and leaves him covered in reddish patches and brown scabs. Because they`ve lived together for so long in one little room, old Srino has ended up looking like his bird. He also has reddish scabs on his face and yellowish, thinning hair.

Like any animal the bird has taken on some of his owners characteristics: hunched up, with his neck sticking out and the muscles tensed. They look like they`re related and yet they hate each other. Twice a day, at eleven O `clock and six o`clock, the old man carries the cage out with the bird inside down to the pavement for a change of air; for eight years, they haven’t changed their routine. You can see Srino walking down to the cafe', the bird call out the old man slams the cage and curses him. He tugs the cage home, sweating and cursing. This happens two or three times on their excursions. 

 As soon as the bird has forgotten and sees the open cage he hops out and performs his ablutions. This pulls his master’s rag again and he curses and rattles the bars. Then the two of them stand still on the pavement and look at each other, the bird with terror, and the old man with hatred. It`s the same every day. And now the bird is lost the Old man is the one who is terrified. 

Dada 45

I went out a little late, at twelve thirty, with Abdul Hassan who works in the shipping office down the quay. The office looks out over the river and we spent a moment watching the cargo ships coming into the port bathed in the scorching hot sun.

Just then, a truck arrived with racket of rattling chains and what sounded like explosions from its engine boxes. It was stacked with wire crates Abdul asked me if I should go for it and I started to run. The truck rushed past and we chased after it. I was blinded by the noise and dust. I could barely see a thing and all I felt was the exhilarating rush as I sped between the winches and machinery, past the masts of the fishing boats and trawlers bobbing up and down in the distance. The cargo and container ships with their hulls daubed with their signs of Kojo Lines or Ned Lloyd or Maersk, appeared like magic signs from across the sea like the Dada used to talk about.

I took a huge leap and managed to jump on the truck. Then I helped Hassan climb up. We were gasping for breath as the truck bumped along the uneven cobblestones of the quayside, amid the sun and the dust. Rana was laughing so hard he could hardly breathe.  By the time we got to Jamila’s, we were bathed with sweat. She was always there, with her fat stomach, her apron and her laughing eyes. She asked me if I was all right with everything. I said yes and told her I was hungry. I ate very quickly and then I had a coffee. Then I went home and slept a little because I felt heavy with the lunch, and when I woke up, I felt like having a cigarette.

It was late and I ran to catch the trolleybus. I worked all afternoon. It was very hot in the shop and in the evening, when I left, I was glad to walk slowly back home, through the rain and steaming pavements. The sunset would be great tonight and I wanted to watch from my window and also  because I wanted to make myself some boiled cabbage and put some distance between my weekend, myself and the crystallised silver paper; my mouth was as bitter as fallen stars.

Dada Five

The work was always hard at the warehouse. We’d freeze the fish at our shop but the merchant house as they called it was for all the grain and herbs and plants that we sold the fish around the river kampongs of the district; this was part of the dynamics of the industry

‘People just don’t want something lying on the slab anymore’, the boss said, ‘it reminds them of their own death’.

There had been good catches off them fucking Thai boats. My boss was nice to me. He asked me if I wasn`t too tired and also to know how old Dada was when he passed away. I said in his eighties so I wouldn’t make a mistake. I don’t know why, but he seemed relieved and to consider the matter closed.

Bills of lading were piled up in a stack on a desk in the back and I had to go through them all. At twelve o clock, I washed my hands before leaving the shop for lunch. I like this moment of the day. In the evening, it`s not as nice because the shop is like a wasteland and all the towels are soaking wet: They have been used all day long and the fish have left their smell above the ice. I once pointed this out to my boss. He replied that he was sorry but that in the end it was a minor detail and not important for the running of the business and besides all you smell in the morning is fresh disinfectant and the merchant house is always perfumed in its dealings with the public.

Dada 44

I knew the little secret there was before I came to live with the Dada; his mother raped by a white Christian and ruler of this district; his surrogate father, an estate manager and Buddhist Chinese and his own wife and daughter, fierce in their desire for Islam. The joke of his son in law, my father a fanatic terminator of impure souls within the Malay hierarchy. Throw in communism and my abused great grandmother, a sea Dayak and catholic pirate and you would need little more to stir any pot on this island. I pondered on this history when I smelled the wind and saw the stars. They looked as if they were weeping  as if they thought I was not looking and  that Iskra not looking either.

It came to me with a sudden clarity that Dada could not know all the things he told me. Someone must have let him in on it. He could not have  imagined the times that brought him to this moment as he docked from one port to another in the ports of the Blue Funnel Line, his own mother a sea Dayak and his father a scion of the white rajahs who gained power in defeating them with the  women  as prizes ?  Was it his adopted father who told him in his bitterness or at his mother’s early death and the responsibility thrown on his shoulders for the boy ? Was it this revenge that brought the Dada to treason against the state at the very moment of its foundation, when it saw spies around every corner or maybe the strike of all Borneo seamen came at the wrong time. It was difficult to know these things.

I said goodnight to Iskra.  ‘Goodnight my friend ‘he said.

Dada 43

He knew I’d loved Dada a lot. I replied – I still don’t know why – that I hadn’t been aware people had criticized me about that, but letting Dada go back to that village was the best choice of send off  I could have given him. It was his chance to make peace and it seemed the natural thing to do. I had looked after him long enough, I said. I didn’t earn enough to pay   to take care of him for years longer and the home had been part of his entitlement to his seaman’s pension.

“And besides”; I added, “For a long time he didn’t have anything to talk to me about, and then he couldn’t stop, once the secret was out. And especially when I started going about changing everything in my life. He got bored by himself after that”.

“Yes; he said, “and at least back in the village he knew people.”.

Then Srino said he`d be going.

He wanted to go to his bed. His life had changed now and he didn’t quite know what he was going to do. For the first time since I’d known him, he shyly offered me his hand, and when I shook it, I could feel the scales of his skin. He gave me a little smile; as he was leaving, he said “I hope the birds don`t sing too early in the morning. I always think that one of them is mine even if he can only hop about and mouth obscenities. I should never have given him his freedom. What will he do, what will he do’ he wailed.

Iskra shook his head. Dada would have laughed. He was always talking of freedom. I couldn’t be sure of all what he said was true – but it helped me imagine, helps me now to think of the way they called these places the spice islands and rotten jungles and pirate boats ploughing these waters. How we bear a tropical identity with our old pirate ways and locked between Islam and Catholicism and Buddhism like a golden triangle that sways between our hearts and our minds to palm trees, coconuts and the blue grey China Sea the source of our drugs and a sea not only occasionally stained by blood in search of its own traditions. 

Dada 42

 Iskra said that the bird must have got lost and then he`d come back. He gave him lots of examples of birds that had travelled hundreds of miles to make their way back home.

In spite of all that, the old man seemed even more upset. “The bastard can’t walk let alone fly but they’ll still take him away from me, don’t you understand? 

It wouldn’t be so bad if I thought someone might take him in. But that`s impossible; he disgusts everyone with his scabby plumage. If the police pick him up, they’ll destroy him as a health risk.” 

I told him that all he had to do was go down to the police lost property and make a gentle enquiry. He`d get him back if he paid enough of a fee. He asked me if the fee was very expensive, I didn’t know. Then he got angry: “Pay good money for that scabby bastard.  He can go to hell!” he started cursing him. Iskra laughed and went inside the house. I followed him in and we said goodbye on the landing. A moment later, I heard the old man`s footsteps and he knocked on my door. When I opened it, he stood there for a moment then finally said: 

“I`m sorry”.

I asked him if he wanted to step inside. At first he said no but very quickly and sounding rather embarrassed he said he knew people in the neighbourhood that thought badly of me because of my Dada and that my mother and father were right to do what they did in order to keep  me straight. He continued ‘ that it was good that Dada had died up there in that home alone (even if it wasn’t true) because that way he could not be seen to betray any more people nor his stigma run like a stain down the Rajang river and cover all the family ‘

Dada 41

I got up and combed my hair. He told me that I had to be a witness for him. As far as I was concerned, it didn’t matter in the least but I didn’t know what he wanted me to say.

According to Iskra, all I had to say was that the girl had cheated on him. So I agreed to be a witness for him. We went to a bar and Iskra bought me a brandy and ginger. Then he wanted to play pool and I nearly won. Afterwards, he wanted to go to a brothel but I said no because I don’t like that kind of thing. So we walked slowly back home and he told me how happy he was that he`d managed to punish his mistress. He was being very kind to me and I thought it was a nice moment.

In the distance, I noticed Srino standing at the doorway, looking upset. When we got closer, I saw that his bird wasn’t with him. He was looking everywhere, turning round in circles and trying to see inside the dark hallway. He was mumbling incoherently, and then peering up in the air or down the street with his little red eyes. When Iskra asked him what was wrong, he didn’t answer right away. I could just about make out what he was saying – “Bastard, dirty swine” – and then he was getting all worked up. I asked him where his parrot was.

‘The bastard’s escaped’ He answered me sharply, saying that he`d flown away, god knows where he got the strength from. And then suddenly, he started talking very quickly: “I took him to the Waterfront, as usual. It was very crowded because of the fair stalls. I stopped to have a look at the one of the escape artists. And when I was ready to leave, I was going to close his cage but he was gone. Of course, I`d been meaning to put him in his cage for such a long time. But I never wanted to believe that dirty swine would fly away like that. Do you think they understand the actions that are taking place in front of them?”

Dada 40

The policeman told him to shut up again and said that the girl should leave and that Iskra  should stay put until he was told to come down to the police station. He added that Iskra should be ashamed that he was shaking so much.

‘Are you drunk? The policeman asked. A little gasp went up from the people on the landing. The Government says drink is the curse of our Federation.

Iskra said: “I`m not drunk, officer. It`s just that I am standing in front of you and all these people, and of course I`m shaking. It’s my shame, I can`t help it.”

He closed the door and everyone left. Mo and I finished making lunch. But he wasn’t hungry.He kept looking at Iskra’s door. I ate nearly all of it. He left at one o`clock and I slept for a while.

Around three o`clock, Iskra knocked on my door. I was lying down. He sat on the edge of the bed. He didn’t say anything at first and I asked him how it had gone. He told me he had done what he`d planned but that then she`d slapped him across the face so he`d started hitting her. I`d seen what happened next. I told him that it seemed to me that she`d been punished and that he should be satisfied. That was also his opinion and he pointed out that it didn’t matter what the policeman had done because it wouldn’t change the fact that he`d given her a beating. Then he added that he knew what cops were like and just how to deal with them. Then he asked me if I`d expected anything at all.

‘Nothing, ‘I said’ and besides, I don’t like the police.’  Iskra seemed pleased. He asked me if I wanted to go out somewhere with him. 

Dada 39

But then one of them showed up with the plumber who lives on the second floor.

He knocked on the door and everything went quiet. He banged on it harder and, after a moment, the woman started crying and Iskra opened the door. He was smoking a cigarette and looked as if he had just eaten a heavy lunch. There was stubble on his face and he looked slightly red eyed. The young woman rushed to the door and told the policeman that Iskra had beaten her. “Name”; said the policeman. “And take the cigarette out of your mouth when you’re talking to me” Iskra hesitated, glanced over at me and took another drag of his cigarette. When he did that, the policeman slapped him so hard across the face that you could hear it across the landing.His cigarette went flying.

Iskra turned pale but didn’t say anything for a moment. He then meekly asked if he could pick up his cigarette. The policeman said he could but added: “next time, you remember; only fools take us for idiots in Malaysia.” While this was going on, the young woman was crying and saying:

“He hit me. He`s a pimp’ over and over again.

Then Iskra said: “Tell me, officer, isn’t it against the laws of this country to call a man a pimp?”         But the policeman replied: “Shut your trap.”

Then Iskra turned to the girl and said: “You haven’t seen the last of me.” 

Dada 38

 I told Mo all about the old man and he laughed. He was wearing one of my pyjama tops with the sleeves rolled up. When he laughed, I wondered about Dada’s house and my old place within the family and other stuff I don’t like to talk about.

A moment later, Mo asked me if I loved him. I told him that didn’t mean anything, but I didn’t think so or want to disappoint him. He looked sad then. But while we were making lunch he laughed again, for no apparent reason, and the way he laughed made me laugh as well.  At that moment, we heard a fight break out in Iskra`s place. First we heard the high pitched voice of a women and then Iskra saying:

“You cheated on me, you humiliated me. I`ll teach you to cheat on me”:

Then we heard a few muffled sounds, followed by the woman screaming so horribly that in a flash everyone rushed out onto the landing. Mo and I also went out. The woman kept screaming and Iskra kept hitting her. Mo said it was awful and I didn’t reply. He asked me to go and get a policeman and I told him I didn’t like the police. 

Dada Four

Iskra came to see me next morning and said he`d sent the letter. I had been to the movies twice with Mo. We couldn’t be seen holding hands up and down the street for obvious reasons.  He doesn’t always understand what he sees on the screen, so I have to explain everything to him. When Iskra came around it was Saturday and I had scrambled some time off. Mo was over as we`d arranged to go to a place up the river.

We took a bus and travelled a few kilometres outside of Kuching to a place that was nestled between some rocks, with reeds along the inland side of a lake. The late afternoon sun wasn’t very hot, but the water was warm, with lazy, long, low waves. Mo taught me a game. While we were swimming, we had to drink in the tops of the waves and gather all foam we could into our mouths; then we had to turn over and float on our backs while spraying the water up towards the sky. The foam was frothy and disappeared into the air or fell back onto my face like warm rain. After a while my mouth burned from bitter salt.

After we got dressed on the beach, Mo looked at me; his eyes were shining. We didn’t say anything more. I`d left my window open and it felt good to feel the summer night flowing over my body. Dada did not talk to me that night in my dreams.  In the morning, I told Mo we could have lunch together. I went downstairs to buy some meat. On my way back upstairs, I heard a woman`s voice in Iskra`s room. It was the time that , Srino could be heard shouting at his bird. We heard the sharp sound of footsteps and the bird crying and scratching as they went down the wooden stairs together and then,  “Bastard, dirty swine” as they went into the street.

Dada 36

I told him he could stay and that I was sorry about what happened to his bird; he thanked me. He told me that Dada had liked his bird a lot. When he mentioned him, he called him “your poor father”. He hinted that I must be very unhappy since Dada died, but I didn`t reply or even bother to tell him that Dada was my Grandfather, and more to me rather than any of those who disowned him, including my mother and father.

He said “you’re a good kid, but you’re strange and you mix with strange people. Let me give you some advice, stay away from that Iskra character, we don’t need any more disturbances here. He’ll get you into trouble.’

 He raised a make believe pipe into the air and swivelled his eyes. It made me laugh to see the old man like that; it must have been a trick from his entertaining days. We finished on a good note and he said goodnight. I leaned back and felt the whole of Borneo bulge out its breath from its hinterland of river and jungle beneath me like a hoary old wolf or wharf rat, a pair of yellow beaked hornbills cawing out over the sea that that brought together all of our unhappy histories.

Dada 35

He got married rather late in life. When he was young, he wanted to work in the theatre, when his dad was in the army and the British were in Malaya and the white Rajahs ruled all this part of Borneo  before the war; Srino acted in vaudeville to entertain the troops.

But he ended up working on the railways over on the peninsula  and he had no regrets because it was a good job that his dad had helped him with and he now had a small pension. He hadn’t been happy with his wife but in the end he`d got used to being with her.

When she died, he`d felt very lonely. So he asked one of his workmates what was the best thing for company and he had brought him a bird in a cage and had got him when he was still very young and fresh from the jungle. He had to feed it with a baby`s bottle. But since birds even parrots can live to an old age and they mature very quickly they`d ended up growing old together.

“He was bad tempered bastard”: old Srino told me. “From time to time, we`d have it out. But he was a good bird all the same.” I said he was a good breed and Srino seemed pleased.

“And you don`t even know him before he got sick” he added. “His plumage used to be the most beautiful thing about him. It was like a horse chestnut tree in flower”. Every morning and every evening after the bird got skin disease, Srino rubbed him with gentle oil under his wings .  But Srino said his real disease was old age, and you can`t cure old age. I yawned just then and the old man said he`d go. 

Dada 34

I had finished eating and she was still totally engrossed in making her notes. Then she stood up, put her jacket on with the same precise movements and made to leave.

 She gave a pursed little smile as she moved away from her table.

 Since  I was finished for the day and Mo had gone to his brother’s, I waited a moment  and followed her . She walked to the edge of the pavement  with a crabbed walk and headed up the road towards the water in a straight line without looking back. Her movements were so precise and fast it looked as if she might rise up off the pavements and fly like some little bird but not high enough or low enough to avoid disaster. I could see my mother in her somehow. How was I to know she would preside as companion to the end of my life or she should sit erect side by side next to that unhappy woman?

Eventually, I lost sight of her and I turned around and walked home. I thought that she was very strange but soon forgot about her.

I found old Srino standing in front of my door. I showed him in and he told me that his parrot had stayed missing this time: he wasn’t at the sanctuary. The employees there had told him that the bird had perhaps been taken. He`d asked if he could find out for sure at the police station. He was told that they didn’t keep records of such things because they happened every day.

I told Srino that he could get another bird, but he was right in pointing out that he was used to his. I was sitting on the edge of my bed and Srino was on a chair by the table.

He was facing me and had his hands on his knees. He`d kept his old cap on. It was hard to understand him because he was mumbling beneath his yellowish moustache.

He bored me a little but I had nothing to do and I wasn’t tired yet. Just to say something, I asked him about his bird. He told me he`d got him after his wife died

Dada 33

 She added up what her bill would come to, then took out her purse and placed enough money to cover the exact amount , including the tip, on the table in front of her. Just then, her first course arrived, which she wolfed down very quickly.

‘I wear blue because it symbolises the mixture of all our blood .’ She said.

‘ Our lady wore blue did you know that ?  Did you know your grandfather  was devoted to our blessed mother even though he was a communist ? He was sick of the divisions on this island that came from so called pure blood.’

I continued with my soup. What was she shouting for? She reminded me of Dada.

‘We are all of us of the mix’ she said.

‘I know what you’re like on the inside’ she said.

I nodded and stirred the liquid and noodles and marinated fish. I thought she was crazy. I also could not help but wonder what she meant.

‘Remember what I tell you’ she said. I nodded again, just to keep her quiet.

While waiting for the next course, she took a blue pencil out of her bag and a magazine that listed the week`s satellite television. Very carefully, she placed a tick beside almost every programme, one by one. Since the magazine was about twelve pages long, she continued her meticulous work  throughout the entire meal.

‘This is how they control us ‘ she said. 

Dada 32

That evening we went for a walk in the city along the wide avenues that led to the waterfront. The men we saw were all beautiful and I asked Mo if he`d noticed that. He said he had and that he understood me but to reflect on my words and the effect they had on others.

For a while, we didn’t speak. I wanted him to stay with me, though, and I told him we could eat together at Jalima’s. He said really wanted to, but he had other things to do.

We were nearly back at my place. I said goodbye to him.

He looked at me: “Don`t you want to know what I have to do?” I did want to know, but I hadn’t thought to ask, which was why he seemed to be reproaching me. Then, when he saw I was getting tied up in knots trying to explain, he laughed again and leaned his head towards mine so I could kiss him. We pulled each other to the shadows. 

‘I have to get ready to move house ‘he said.

I had a fish and noodle soup the speciality at Jalima's. I had already started eating  when a strange little woman in a blue suit came into the café’. She moved to the other side of the room. Jalima asked if she could share my table but I shook my head. She called out and said she knew me and had seen me at Dadas house. She had sharp, jerky gestures and bright eyes in a small round face.

She took off her jacket, sat down and stared busily studying the menu. She called Jalima over and immediately ordered what she wanted in a hurried but very precise tone of voice. While waiting for her first course, she opened her bag and took out a little notebook and a pencil,

‘ I’ve been following you. I knew your Dada. Do you know why I wear blue’ she shouted ?

Dada 31

That evening, Mo came to see me. He said that we could get together if we wanted. He asked me if I wanted him to move in, to live with him. I replied as I had once before that that didn’t mean anything, but I said yes sure. The house was empty now with Dada gone. I was pretty sure that I didn’t love anyone but it would be good to share the house. Mo protested. I explained that it was of no importance whatsoever, but if it that was he wanted, we could get together. And besides, he was the one asking and I was happy to say yes. He then said that living together was a serious business especially in this country.

I said: “Not at all! You just have do what everyone else does here; keep quiet and fake it. Then they leave you alone.’

Mo said nothing for a moment but just looked at me in silence. Then he spoke. He simply wanted to know if I would say yes to any other man who asked me, if I were involved with them in the same way.

I said: “Probably!”  

He  wondered if I loved him but there was no way I could know anything about that. After another moment`s silence, he murmured that I was very strange. He undoubtedly loved me for that very reason, but that one day he might find me repulsive, for that same reason if I was to perform something he found outrageous . When I said nothing, because I had nothing more to say, he smiled. He put his arm through mine and said that he wanted us to get together and we would celebrate this weekend. He said we could do it as soon as we wanted. I told him about my boss`s plan and he said he`d like to get to know KL and the whole Australasian thing. I told him that I had no big plans, except for sailing a big pirate ship and he laughed. He asked me what it would be like. I told him we had been invited up the coast with Iskra this Sunday. He clapped his hands and said ‘Oh yes’

Dada 30

‘You studied before you let everything go and came to work here’ he says.

He wants to know if I`d be interested in going there to work. It would mean I could live in KL and also travel part of the year all over Australasia doing fish and other marine business.

‘It’s a very dynamic industry he said.  “You’re young and it seems to me it might be the kind of life you`d enjoy!”

 I said ‘yes it’s true, but that, actually, I didn’t care one way or the other. I liked it around here on our own island.’

Then he asked me if whether I would be interested in changing my life. I replied that you can never really change your life and that, in any case, every life was more or less that same and that my life here wasn’t all that bad. He didn’t look pleased and told me I could never give a straight answer to anything.  I had no ambition and that this was disastrous in business, especially one so quickly changing as this one where quotas move fast from year to year and island to island amongst the greater and lesser Sunda’s.

I carried on working. I did not want to upset him, but I could see no reason to change my life. After giving it serious thought, I wasn’t unhappy. When I was a student, I was very ambitious about having a career especially to please my father. But when that business with Dada came about, I didn’t want to continue with my studies. I realized soon that none of that sort of stuff mattered very much especially when you talk about identity and what it means to have it taken away. Pirates do not care about that , traitors neither; they have neither country nor nation. They are in between people. People who live on the land only want to measure their days by the sun.

Dada Three

Iskra calls me at the dock office. This is this where it begins. I can see that now. Iskra says that one of his friends (he`s told him about me) has invited me to spend Sunday at his beach house, near the port. I say I`d like that very much but that I`d promised to spend the day with my other friend Mo. 

Iskra immediately says, he’s invited as well. His friend’s wife would be very happy not to be between men. She might have a friend over herself. He chuckled. I wanted to hang up right away because I found myself confused. I also knew that my boss doesn’t like us getting personal calls when we’re at work.

Iskra asks me to hold on a moment and says he could have told me about the invitation this evening but he wants to warn me about something else. His former mistress`s brother and a group of his Kalimantan friends have been following him all day.

“If you see him near the house tonight when you get home, let me know.” He says.

I said that I would. A little while later, my boss asks to see me and I was annoyed at first because I thought he was going to tell me I should spend less time talking on the phone and more time working.

But it wasn’t about that at all. He says he wants to speak to me about a project that is still in the planning stages and that he`d like my opinion on the matter.

He was thinking of setting up an office on the mainland, in the capital, Kuala Lumpur, where they could really deal directly with large companies they did business with and where many of the shipping lines were based.