Dada 169

I said that wasn’t the same thing. That’s the same as saying we can say nothing because we do not have all the facts of every situation. It provides no consolation. What about that gangster Iskra, he’s got another forty years of dancing out each morning to greet the outcomes of his own dirty work. He said, ‘We will all die and if yours comes sooner you still have to face the same question. How will you face that terrible hour?’ He turned to me quickly and gazed into my eyes. I was supposed to look away, discomforted. He’d obviously done this many times before. It didn’t wash with me. You played this game every morning at the fish dock or when the old lady’s came with their shawls and baskets or crowds on Sunday to banter with you for bargains. You also knew who had died on the boats that night. It was the quiet way they brought the women ashore, around the back of the dock, the only time they showed respect. That was a real barter with death. All the rest was make believe. The old thought they were the best at it and very few can change the young in the matter of when they think they are getting a bargain. But again it is only chance. That was what the holy man wanted off me, a bargain, something for free. I had played this game with Mo and old Srino and they would always look away, even Iskra. I heard the beads rattle and knew what was coming. The holy one’s voice was quite steady, ‘Have you no hope at all’ he asked.Do you really think that when you die nothing remains? ‘Yes’ I said. He dropped his eyes and sat down. He was truly sorry for me he said. Life must be unbearable for a man to think in such a manner, for the end to be the end. I shrugged and looked away. It was no different than the time in that hot little room with the detective ; the clerk typing behind my shoulder with his sad onion breath or the prosecutor when he sat down on his folded robes, his eyes a glimmer towards me. I was beginning to get bored and tried to pull my usual trick; to nod and go silent in the event of him leaving me alone. I even caught the smell of the walls from that time in the detective’s office. The holy man told me why he knew my appeal had not succeeded.